Meeting Face-to-Face is a Must

Over the years, I've learned that nothing promotes more progress in negotiations than a face-to-face meeting during divorce cases. Assuming the absence of domestic violence or blatant personality defects among the parties, open communication in a protected environment can really break down barriers and foster a new willingness to listen. 

I have had many clients who, out of fear or a bad history of fights with their spouse, shut down any lines of communication. Without a thread of contact between them, mistrust, misunderstandings and misdirected tactics take control of the divorce negotiations. 

Moving money, for example, from one account to another without warning or explanation is interpreted as a pre-emptive strike against the family and the spouse in the dark. Demanding that all communications be in text or email eliminates the vital tone of a speaker's voice, which often speaks greater volumes than the words themselves.

An apology, no matter how sincere, rings hollow when only seen in print. 

The value of genuine communication, even when strained, cannot be underestimated. This is a lesson well-known and always practiced by mediators and collaborative attorneys. Focusing on moving forward in the family's best interests, and not trying to settle old scores, brings a sense of hope and purpose to the divorce process.

By contrast in litigation, lawyers speak for their clients. Litigators don't want their clients to speak and unwittingly make concessions or give something away, which might lessen their position or be perceived as weakness. As a court-appointed economic mediator, I have conducted meetings where, on occasion, I’ve asked the lawyers to leave the room, so I can hear the parties speak for themselves.

In full confidentiality, these clients can each tell me what's really on their mind and how they want to settle their case. In many instances, such as cases that have been in litigation for a year or more, the clients get their first chance to speak and explain themselves. Sometimes they choose to speak to just the mediator, and other times, depending on the client (with their lawyer's consent), they speak to each other in the mediator's presence. Ironically, what each party hears from the other can make enough sense to reopen the lines of communication and to start rebuilding their relationship, and yes sometimes, a little trust.

Communication is key when it comes to settling most divorces, especially when it is done face-to- face. Don't underestimate the value of sitting down with clients, even cantankerous ones, and letting them talk to each other.

They may surprise you.